Hesitation

My son has trouble communicating, and so he has trouble telling us when he is mad, sleepy, sad, hungry, and many other things.

When he gets mad he will try to hurt you in any way possible. Some time he will hit, sometimes he will pinch, the worst one is when he bites.

He has bitten me on the shoulder before, I can't even remember why, but he drew blood, broke the skin and I still have a small mark in the shape of a tooth. He doesn't just try to bite me, on occasion he will go after the little guy, or rarely mom, but when he decides to go after you anything is free game.

This brings me to my point.

About a week and a half ago we all went to the store for stuff for dinner, salad stuff or something, I can't remember what now. Everything was good, as usual when I take the big guy to the store, until we were about to leave, that's when he gets mad. He wants to go to the toys, but we don't have the time or money for that, and on comes the meltdown.

So being the best dad I can be I offer to take him out to mom's car so he can have his meltdown in private, away from the unintelligent stares of the heard of wild and uneducated Wal-Mart hicks, who's first response would be "Tan his backside, it'll do'em som gud!!".

While I was walking out, holding him close to my chest in like a bear hug type thing, he was screaming, hitting me, trying to pinch me, and then his mouth found my cheek. Yup my son bit me in the face, and I was happy about it.

I know that sounds horrible, but keep reading, it's actually awesome.

My son had a good section of my cheek in between his teeth, and one good chomp would have created a hole in my cheek and probably would have let everyone see my teeth. That didn't happen though. He was mad, kicking and screaming, with my cheek in his mouth...... but I FELT him hesitate. He did bite me, but it was as if he understood that idea that if he were to chomp down with all his might he would have hurt me very very bad.

I was ecstatic, this is an abstract thought, or I think it is, where he put together an idea (biting me) with a possible outcome (a giant hole in my face) and decided against it. Usually his idea, as far as I see them, are only cause and effect, turn on a switch and the light comes on, open the fridge and food is inside. If the power is out he doesn't understand that turning on a switch will not make the light come on.

Now I don't have any other reason to believe he strung together the abstract thoughts like that other than the hesitation I felt in him when he bit my cheek, but I want to believe it is true because that open so many possibilities. He may start getting the idea that a kite won’t fly without wind, or that momma can't come home right now because she's still working, and this may very well help him to not get as angry about things. I don't know, but I can always hope.....

More able, not disabled.

You know, my son cannot lie.

I cannot think of any time where I have found the he has lied. I don't think this is a concept that he understands. He will tell you exactly how he feels, if he's mad, or sad, and even when he's sick, though sometimes I don't think he knows every time he is sick. He won’t hide the fact that he got something from the fridge and he will do when he gets hungry. He will get me or mom when it’s something he can't reach, like on a high shelf, or when it's something he can't open, like Vienna sausages.

The big guy won’t take a toy from the little guy and say he was playing with it first; he just doesn't want the little guy to play with it. If he does not like you, you will know this. He will not sugar coat anything. If he is mad at you, and he has gotten very mad at me before, you will know this. If he does not like what is on TV, he will change the DVD, though he may ask you to get him the one he wants, he usually just does it himself.

The big guy won’t even pretend to like you, and this kind of brings me to a point, how do you act in your daily life?

I know people I do not like, but I must deal with them on an almost daily basis, but I must be civil and that basically means I have to lie to these people to their faces. On occasion I am asked by others if I'm OK, and my response is usually just the word fine, though I may be sick, depressed about something, mad, or any number of feelings. At times I have said things to a person, and it may have not been the whole truth, or a flat out lie. We all know we act like this, and many times we justify these actions.

We tell ourselves we are being civil when we "pretend" when dealing with people we don't like. We will flat out lie to others when things bother us, like our health or feelings, because we don't want to "bother" anyone with our troubles.

It just makes me think, my son is the least disabled person I know. In fact, he's more able, in fact I think of him as more able. He's more able to tell people the truth than anyone else I know. He is more able to connect with his real feelings about people and situations than others. He's more able to know when his body is craving food, and thus take care of that than many of us. He is more able to laugh out of total enjoyment than any of us.

Just think about the next time you are asked a question and the question requires an honest response. Are we disabled by our justifications?

My reaction

When my son was diagnosed with autism I was happy.

I was not devastated, hurt, angry, mad, or discouraged. I was relieved, happy, hopeful, and it was an all-around good thing.

After the diagnosis I updated my status on Facebook, and the first 4 responses from friends were of condolences. I was kind of taken back, most everyone I knew looked at it as a bad thing. I guess it has to do with perspective, and apparently my perspective was much more positive than others.

You see, the way I look at it must have been different than everyone else. I saw the diagnosis as clarity, focus, an explanation, and basically relief.

I never look at my son as having a disability. Sure, the state see him as having a disability, and maybe the school and all his different therapists also look at my son as having a disability, but I just look at him as being....him. If my son woke up tomorrow and no longer had autism, I wouldn't know who he was, and I don't think he would know what to do with himself.

I do worry about how his life will turn out, and what will happen to him after my wife and I are gone. I am almost sure he will always live at home, and that's fine with me, he may not, you never know, we just have to see how it goes. I can only hope his brother will be there for him, but I don't worry about his daily life. Why should I, he doesn't, he just goes about his day.

Yeah I get frustrated and discouraged many days, and some days I get angry, like when he keeps attacking the little guy, but I will always love my son, and never think he's disabled.

Did I mention he bit me on the face today? Yeah, he gets angry and sometimes his only outlet is to bite me. I did not hit him, smack him, or yell at him, all I could do was keep holding him close to me and walk to the car. He was mad, but I love him, he's my son.